Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
