this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
All the doctor said was why
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
