Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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