He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize