I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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