I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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