I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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