the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
