You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
