remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
