I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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