Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
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