EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
