Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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