i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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