Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
