I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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