Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
