I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
