Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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