I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
