i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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