Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
