Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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