There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
