I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
