you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
