hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This baby is an asshole
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
