Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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