mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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