i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize