Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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