alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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