I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Randomize
