woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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