I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
