took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
