I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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