It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
