It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
