your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
