Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
