If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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