Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
