he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
