do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
