It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
