I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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