the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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