you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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