Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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