I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
