why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How's work?
Spinning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
