You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
