After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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