Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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