You made me cry and you don't even care
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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