My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
