My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
