Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
