my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
